My dad died on Christmas Day 2020. The morning began with a phone call. It was the hospital. Would I approve a DNR for my father? He had been brought in by ambulance at 3:00 am in cardiac distress. Thoughts began racing through my head. Why had it taken six hours to call me? What is cardiac distress? Is my father about to die? I asked the doctor to slow down and to explain what was happening. Would my father ever go home? The doctor said no. I approved the DNR and hung up. I started crying.

It Was Some Time Before My Dad Died

As I picked up my phone to start calling family, it rang. The nurse on the other end informed me my father had coded while I was initially on the phone and had been resuscitated. He was on meds and a breathing tube. What do I do now?

This was December 2020, and COVID was still in full force. I asked the nurse if I could see him. She said to come now.

I was lucky. They allowed to stay at my father’s side until he passed. I spent over 5 hours holding his hand and talking to him. He appeared to be lucid part of the time. Obviously, he could not talk with a tube in his throat, but he would nod or shake his head. What did I say? I told him about a funny t-shirt I bought him for Christmas. The slogan on it was, Awesome, Like My Daughter. He shook his head no. Was it no as in I was not awesome? Was he not awesome? Or maybe he didn’t want me to tell him about his Christmas gifts. I will never know.

We spoke about taking the tube out. I asked him what he wanted. It was hard to tell what his response was. The nurse and I discussed it in front of him which I now regret. I worried if I said yes, I would be killing my father. Right before the doctor came into the room, my dad made it clear he did not want the tube removed. It ended up not being our choice.

The Doctor Makes the Final Decision

The doctor walked briskly into the room and asked my dad for permission to speak in front of me. My father nodded. He explained that when my father had coded earlier in the day, he had actually died for 10 minutes before being revived. It had been determined that over 90% of his arteries were blocked, he had vein disease and that he would not survive surgery. They were taking the tube out. My dad died less that 20 minutes later. Again, I thought, “What do I do now?”

What About the Family?

My uncle (dad’s younger brother), aunt and sister were in the waiting room at the hospital. Before my dad died, I was hoping they could see him. The nurse was firm though. Because of COVID, only I could be in the room. After a little negotiation, I was able to get 5 minutes for my sister and 5 minutes for my uncle, but only one at a time. I would be allowed to come back and stay with my father until he passed.

Now, this is the first time I am going to introduce you to my sister. I might as well tell you up front that she is bipolar. She is also 20 years younger than I am. I wouldn’t say she and I were ever close, but we spent time together at the lake with my dad and on holidays. She has two daughters, and I had a special relationship with my oldest niece.

I quickly walked to the waiting area to find my sister as I didn’t want my father dying alone. On the way back to the room, my sister yelled at me saying I had no idea what I was talking about and insisting my dad only had diabetes. Where she got that idea is beyond me. The nurse met us at the entrance to the ICU. I had forewarned her about my sister’s mental illness. My sister dismissed me, and I returned to my uncle and aunt. Long story short, my sister never saw my dad. She became so agitated, the hospital staff never let her in the ward. Unfortunately, this meant my uncle would not be allowed to say his goodbyes either.

The Next Steps After My Dad Died

In shock, I watched my dad die. What now? The nurse gave me literature detailing the next steps to take. The first was to reach out to a funeral home or cremation service to make arrangements. My dad had always talked about cremation. How do you choose who to use? I googled it and picked a place close to home. Once that decision was made, I let the hospital know by calling a number they had given me. I forgot to ask about his personal belongings so had to return a few days later to retrieve them. The cremation company handled everything else for me including obtaining the death certificate, which is vital to start probate.

I wish we had made these decisions as a family before he died. There were forms to fill out which my sister also had to sign. After some persuasion, she did. It was the beginning of what was and still is a hard and frustrating relationship between us.

I didn’t expect the last phone call I received that Christmas night. You see, my dad was an organ donor. The people who handle this sort of thing received his information including my name from the hospital. They called with about 45 minutes of questions about my dad’s health and personal habits. This was necessary to deem if his organs would be viable and to who. Be prepared if your loved one is also a donor. Many people were helped by my dad’s generosity.

What Do I Do Now?

As I reflected on the horrible day I had just experienced, I became so overwhelmed. My father had a business. What do I do now? He had cars and a condo. What do I do now? He did have a will. How does that work? How will I go on without my best friend? I had so many questions. More about the answers in my next blog.

If you missed my first blog, About My Father: The Greatest of All Time, click here.

Losing a loved one is so hard. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.